The Mean Alucard Song
by Avenging Neko
Summary: A very, very silly one shot version of the Mean Kitty song. Listen to it, it's adorable. This is also a birthday present for Jubalii! :D (Rated for mild language.)


_**The Mean Alucard Song**_

_This... is a lot shorter than I thought it was gonna be. Pff, not even 2k words. Clearly I fail._

* * *

Seras Victoria groaned and rubbed at her back as she tried to stretch out the kinks. _Thank god for indoor plumbing!_ Picking up her towel and laying it over the door of her locker she sat down on the wooden bench and began to untie her bootlaces. Thus accomplished, she kicked them into the empty bottom of the green rectangle before tugging at her gloves and tossing them mindlessly over the discarded footwear.

"Holy crap, Ser!" A voice exclaimed to her right, and the blue eyed blonde turned to look at her brunette squadmate, "what happened to your hands?"

"Oh…" She flushed, looking down at the meshwork of scratches varying in color from inflamed red to white, "my cat's been a bit… fussy lately."

"Understatement of the year!" A new voice interrupted from their backs as a raven haired fellow officer dropped onto the bench next to them, "Ser's cat is a demon! He scratches and bites her like she's some kind of chew toy."

Seras tucked her hands under the hem of her blue shirt, flushing a brighter red, "He just wants attention is all."

"You ever think of getting him declawed?"

"Or defanged?"

Seras scowled and stood up stiffly as her pulled off her shirt in jerky motions and finished getting undressed before wrapping herself in her towel and stalking off to the showers. The other two – Alyss and Carrie – exchanged worried glances before Alyss sighed, "She's so protective of that cat, it's insane. He's a total monster."

Seras, meanwhile, banged her head into the shower wall and sighed. _Why couldn't they understand?_ Sure, her cat was a bit… sharp, but no one else would take him. She'd saved him, after all, he was _her_ responsibility! Losing herself in thought, the blonde half heartedly began to scrub the sweat from her skin.

_She'd just moved into her new apartment – and was delighted to learn they allowed pets – after finishing her police training course. She'd graduated from the academy with high marks and decided to treat herself; she'd always wanted a pet, but the orphanage hadn't allowed it, and her previous apartment was strictly pet free. So here she was, at the local animal shelter, moving down the rows of cages and looking for a creature to catch her eye. She was crouched on the floor, peering curiously at the silver-white female with oddly colored eyes when she heard a shout and a yowl as a bundle of black fur bulldozed into her legs. Nearly falling onto the poor thing, she looked up to see a shelter worker advancing on her with a catch pole in hand._

_The shape at her feet trembled and hissed, huddling closer to the blonde, and she frowned. She didn't like the look on the advancing man's face and protectively scooped up the fuzzball to her chest, surprised when she felt the trembling increase before she heard the faint buzzing of a purr._

"_Get yer hands off that __**thing**__ before it tears yer throat out!" The worker snapped at her, and Seras took a step back defensively, clutching the cat tighter. "Ye idjit! He's been slated for death five times now for violence, monster keeps surviving." He swore at her and Seras gaped at him, "You expect me to hand this cat over __**so you can kill him?**__ Are you crazy?! I'll take him!"_

"_Don't be stupid y-" "Nick!" The woman who had let her into the backroom to look for a pet – who had stepped out to answer a call – snapped and stepped protectively in front of the small blonde, "shut up and go back to cleaning the cages."_

"_Bu-" "No, Nick, __**now**__."_

"_You'll regret it, girlie. That cat's a monster." Nick snarled at them as he turned his back, and the woman – whose nametag read 'Beth' – turned to her with an apologetic smile, "Sorry about that, but he's right in a way. That cat has a history of violence."_

_Seras clutched him even closer, feeling protective, "Well, then I'll just have to train him to be nicer."_

_The cat stopped purring for a moment and she felt as though … She looked down and blue eyes met red as he almost seemed to smirk at her, as if saying 'is that a challenge?'. Vaguely unnerved, she shrugged it off, and looked back at Beth with a smile, "See? What do I have to sign to take him home?"_

"Ser? Hey, Kitten! You fall asleep in there?"

Seras jerked awake, nearly falling flat on her arse from the slick tile in her shower stall, and yelped as she flailed her arms to keep her balance. "I'm awake, I'm awake!"

Gentle laughter filled her ears, and as she turned off the water, a pale hand reached through the curtain to extend a towel as a peace offering. Grinning sheepishly, the blonde wrapped herself up in the fluffy goodness and yawned. Man she was tired.

"You need a ride home, Ser?" Alyss asked, leaning against the shower wall as her blonde companion dried off, watching her yawn.

"Y-*awn*-eah, thanks. Didn't realize I was so ti-…oh man!" She groaned, slapping her palm to her forehead, "He's gonna be so mad…"

"Who is?" Alyss asked, standing and looming protectively over Seras.

Grinning sheepishly, and trying to hide the scratches on her hands, Seras sighed, "My cat. He doesn't like to be left alone too long, and when I'm late he gets a bit cranky."

"Oh, is that all? Pff." Alyss mocked lightly as she walked with the younger girl to the lockers for her to get dressed in her civie clothes before she drove her home.

'_Yeah, that's __**all**__,' _Seras moaned internally, preparing herself for the inevitable ambush and game of 'cat and mouse' soon to come as soon as she opened her front door.

About thirty minutes later, she stood on the other side of her front door, fingers twitching as she contemplated… _Ugh, no, wouldn't work._ Deciding to just get it over with, she unlocked and entered her apartment, anticipating the black blur impacting with her knees that never came. Wary, she set her stuff down on the end table, relocked the door, and made her way cautiously to the kitchen to make sure her kitty had his kibble bowl full. It was half empty, but she refilled it for good measure, and went so far as to grab the oven mitts hanging over the stove, slipping on her 'safety gear' as she crept cautiously back through the living room. Was he under the couch? She could see it now; his ears laid back so he wouldn't get caught, ready to pounce. She grabbed a feather toy from the bookshelf and dangled it for a moment before jabbing it under the small crawl space. Nothing.

"Alucard?" She called, slightly concerned. He was the meanest little kitty, always ready for a fight, but the next minute he'd be sprawled out across her lap, asleep, and it'd make all the torment worth it. She joked that he was a vampire cat with how often he bit her, thus his rather odd name, but they both seemed to like it.

She stiffened as she thought she heard paws and rustling from across the room, near **her** room, and crept her way over. Was he just making noises to mess with her head?

She repeated the feather toy taunting and poking, and peered cautiously under the slightly dusty bed to see nothing. Could he be in the closet? Screw the BoogeyMan, she had the BoogeyCat! But, no, the door was closed… She checked anyways, because that cat had an uncanny ability to appear in locked rooms. It freaked her out at night sometimes.

She frowned and dusted her oven mitts off absently as she decided to do a total recon through her modest apartment. Lord knows Alucard would wait for her to fall asleep before launching a surprise attack for being late. That little beast could hold a grudge! So she started with her room as it had a door to close, and she triple checked all the nooks and crannies. She knew where he'd been, where he liked to hide, but no…

Next was the living room and she even got her flashlight out as she rattled the window slats and poked and crawled and **still** nothing.

The kitchen was the same, and she was almost panicking that maybe he'd gotten out when one last location occurred to her and she nearly smacked herself in the face for overlooking it. How could she be so stupid?

Well, she had him cornered now! Creeping down the hallway on silent feet, she eyed the bathroom door and smirked. Perfect, it was closed. She was on a mission to find him first, she had her safety gear on, and she wasn't scared.

She'd snatch him up fast and before he could blink...! Aw man, he was asleep in the sink. Her own ambush thwarted, she stared at the puddle of fuzzy ink taking up residence in the porcelain bowl and grumbled internally that he had a knack for ruining her fun. Shucking the oven mitts, she resorted to petting the sleek fur instead, scratching under his skin, and after one crimson eye cracked open to peer up at her, she scooped him up and snuggled the little monster to her chest while he purred.

Sometimes she wondered why she let the little creature into her home, she had to watch him when she was on the phone to make sure he didn't knock fragile things from countertops or bookshelves. She was a little afraid to leave him all alone for more than her usual work shift, he may just destroy everything she owned out of boredom.

The sand paper tongue running across the underside of her chin thoroughly distracted her from all that nonsense and she giggled, burying her face into Alucard's sleek fur as she made her way back to her bed. He was a strange one, he had his own pet bed, but he never used it. He only slept on furniture if she was there petting him, otherwise he preferred closers or sinks. Thoroughly exhausted from her extended shift and the theatrics of her scouting mission, she fell into bed with her clothes on and was asleep within seconds of her head hitting the pillow.


End file.
